QUESTION: My significant other and I have great relationship but... I feel like I need a permission slip from her before I make plans with friends or get away for a weekend fishing trip. When I set my plans before I tell her the details, she becomes upset with me. Although she says I do not need permission, it sure feels like it. Any thoughts?
Dr. Patt----LIFECOACH: You report a great relationship with her. I assume you want to keep it that way. Therefore, while you have the right to make individual decisions, you also have commitments. Commitments to significant others must always factor in when we value our relationships.
What are your relationship values? For example, do you agree with both of these value statements? Does she agree with both?
1. It is healthy for couples to have individual leisure activities.
2. Time and obligations with your partner (and/or children) should remain a priority over leisure time alone or with others.
If you agree with both of these statements, you are not seeking permission when you talk to your wife before making plans that do not include her. Instead, you are demonstrating that your partner (and kids) is (are) top priority by dovetailing your individual plans secondary to couple/family time. Establishing individual plans BEFORE a discussion with your wife actually violates your own values.
Think about it. With this change in mindset, routine joint planning with your significant other/ wife does not make you "controlled by her." Talking to her is actually checking signals, coordinating, avoiding scheduling conflicts and showing courtesy toward/respect for your partner's needs and opinions. You are also expressing your needs. When you and she display mutual respect toward each other despite differences, your relationship grows. Your children (if any) observe.
However, if either you or your partner does not agree with both of these value statements, this is also not a permission issue. It becomes a question of the strength of your commitment to your relationship over individual needs or conversely signals her lack respect for your individual differences and rights.
Often partners have different needs concerning individual leisure time. For example, one partner does not feel the need (or want to take the time) for individual activities, hobbies, or time with friends. The other seeks regular individual time. Neither position is wrong in itself. One or both partners may not accept that they are not alike and pressure the other to change.
| A Permission Slip from Her |
| QUESTION: My significant other and I have great relationship but... I feel like I need a permission slip from her before I make plans with friends or get away for a weekend fishing trip. When I set my plans before I tell her the details, she becomes upset with me. Although she says I do not need permission, it sure feels like it. Any thoughts? |
 ANSWER: A Permission Slip from Her© |
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| Flirting, Friendship, or Emotional Cheating? |
| QUESTION: My friend and I disagree about what people call "emotional cheating." I think two married coworkers are having an emotional affair. She believes there's no such thing as an emotional affair. She says they just have a close friendship and are simply flirting. Do emotional affairs exist ? Do they count as infidelity? |
| ANSWER: Flirting, Friendship, or Emotional Cheating?© |
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| Being A Good Communicator |
| QUESTION: My significant other and I have an ongoing struggle with communication on touchy subjects. I'll say something and then she twists it around and tries to tell me what I meant. She's often wrong, so I try to restate what I meant using different words. She nails me saying that I can't change my words around to get out of trouble. She thinks she is a good communicator. How can I win? |
| ANSWER: Being A Good Communicator© |
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| Child Discipline #1: Don't Make It a Shame |
| QUESTION: I have always heard that you should not call a child a "bad boy/girl" when he/she does something wrong. What difference does it actually make? It's only an expression used to get their attention. Isn't it just splitting hairs with words? |
| ANSWER: Don't Make It a Shame© |
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