QUESTION: My friend and I disagree about what people call "emotional cheating." I think two married coworkers are having an emotional affair. She believes there's no such thing as an emotional affair. She says they just have a close friendship and are simply flirting. Do emotional affairs exist ? Do they count as infidelity?
Dr. Patt----LIFECOACH: Your question goes beyond the dictionary definitions to relationship values. Traditionally, extramarital affairs included intimate physical contact. However, the marital/couple bond can be disrupted and trust compromised even by behavior that is not physically intimate in nature.
Crossing the infidelity line may seem blurry without physical contact. Nevertheless, emotional infidelity can have consequences. Intimate emotional connections can be created outside marriage/a committed relationship with opposite gender persons. Some of these relationships may be neither harmless flirting nor friendship. They can trigger a broken commitment.
That said, how do you know when it is "just flirting" or "simple friendship"?
Not everyone agrees about what qualifies as flirting/friendship. In addition, not everyone shares the same sensitivity about a partner's behavior. Respect for one's partner is a key to the determination.
Nevertheless, some classify a little outside flirting as harmless and even amusing. Others find it objectionable. Reasonable individuals curtail flirting at their partners' request. While the nature of flirting is subjective, basically, simple flirting begins and ends in the moment and excludes private contact.
The tough question is regarding emotional cheating. Consider these 8 signs as caution flags. All have potential to create emotional infidelity:
1. SECRETS: Hiding evidence of contact with or the identity of the person.
2. CONFIDING/COMPLAINING: Violating partner confidence by discussing or sharing marital problems/ issues with this other party.
3. REPETITIVE CONTACTS: Personal relating through phone calls, voicemail, e-mail, text messaging, etc. (usually concealed from partner).
4. GETTING TOGETHER: Having a private get-together for two or making sure to sit next to the person at a group gathering.
5. PRIVATE DISCLOSURES: Revealing intimate life details, feelings, hopes, and dreams (that even your partner does not know).
6. SPECIAL EFFORTS: Taking a specific path to be sure to "run into" him/her; dressing for the day with the thought in mind of seeing him/her; or doing what is pleasing to him/her.
7. FANTASY: Cherishing hopeful thoughts about a future with this person.
8. THE SENSE OF ATTRACTION/TENSION: You know what that is.
Individuals who recognize these 8 signs in their behavior (or as a recipient), might think about a serious self and relationship examination. Applying one's relationship values would be a worthwhile exercise. You may be sacrificing your marital health.
There are no tests for emotional cheating. The signs above can be used as guidelines; but from an optimum relationship standpoint, a build up of these behaviors with another person develops into marital neglect--at the very least.
Complex feelings (self-esteem, confidence, tolerance, jealousy, and insecurity) factor into the perception or practice of flirting and emotional cheating. Perceived and actual emotional infidelity frequently challenges the security and growth of relationships. Meanwhile, the most significant risk is for the destruction of intimacy and the emotional wounding of others.
What you build in your emotional affair/friendship -- -- loyalty, love, affection, fun, honesty, intimacy, sharing, respect -- -- may be difficult, if not impossible, to maintain or grow in your intimate relationship at the same time.
Caution signs #3--#8 also represent essential features of emotional intimacy. If you value your relationship, make the time and effort to nurture that relationship instead of any "friendship." You can make enrichment a priority. With a healthy relationship, value choices become clearer.
Does emotional cheating exist? YES, often at the expense of a committed relationship or marriage.
