QUESTION: I have always heard that you should not call a child a "bad boy/girl" when he/she does something wrong. What difference does it actually make? It's only an expression used to get their attention. Isn't it just splitting hairs with words?
Dr. Patt----LIFECOACH: The importance of the words you use is the difference between producing shame or guilt.
Shame is the feeling that you are a bad person. YOU are all wrong. No hope. You are stuck being you. You are incapable of change. Self-esteem is damaged.
Guilt is the feeling you have DONE something wrong. You have a choice. You can change your behavior. Self-esteem is preserved and often grows as you learn about yourself and how to improve.
Labeling the child as bad (bad boy -- bad girl) is more than just applying words. It is a shame based message tied to conditional love. The message: You are lovable only when you are good. You are good only when your behavior is good. This message can generally lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Here are 4 simple coaching tips to avoid shame-based discipline:
1. Do not say, "You're a bad girl/boy." Say instead, "You did a bad thing" or " You made a bad choice".
2. Do not say, "You are really stupid" (dumb, a baby, or use another negative adjective). You are setting a bad example for name-calling. Say instead, "That was not a very smart thing you did."
3. Do not confront your child when you are angry. It sends the wrong message. Instead, provide an anger management example. Advise your child that you need to take a break. You will return to discuss the situation when you are calmer.
4. Do not hit, slap, spank, or use a belt/other weapon on your child. While this aggressive action may occasionally interrupt bad behavior in the moment, long-term negative consequences will often offset any short-term benefit. (Physical punishment as a part of discipline will be discussed further in Child Discipline #2 next week.)
Feeling guilt over a bad choice of behavior can be empowering. The child can feel strong enough to consider options and correct the behavior. Even good kids can do bad things sometimes. Good kids are capable of changing bad behavior while bad kids feel shame and defeat. They can only have bad behavior.
In summary, when you discipline children, don't make it a shame.
